The quote “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is very true of relationships.
And sometimes it is even true of broken relationships. We tend to forget about the things that helped cause the end of the relationship and concentrate on the things that made us fall in love. So, the best question to ask before getting back together with your ex is: What’s changed? What has changed in the other person that makes you feel that they will not do the behaviors they did before? And, what has changed in you that will help convince the other person that they will not go back into the same broken relationship as before? What can you do, for your part, to have a better 2.0 relationship? What expectations do you have for the other person?
One difficult thing to do would be to sit down and honestly list all the reasons why the relationship ended. Then, ask yourself if you can live with those things now, even if nothing were to change. Remember, you cannot do anything to change another person, you can only change yourself.
We all want to believe that our partner has our best intentions, but that is not always the case. Watch for these warning signs that a relationship may be toxic:
* No give and take: It’s common to want to give of yourself to the person you love, but be mindful of whether the other person is doing the same thing. If you are giving all the time, and they are taking all the time, you will soon start to resent your partner.
*The talker: We all love to hear the voice of our partner, and we want to know everything about them, but do they want to know all about you also? Does the conversation go both ways, or do they spend all their time talking about themselves? If your love talks non-stop, it could mean they have past issues that have destroyed their self-confidence.
*The rebound: Is your love with you, but has yet to break up with their last relationship? Run. If that person is dating you and another person at the same time, they have no respect for you or them. And, chances are, they will do the same to you when they get tired of you.
*Text heck: Time with your loved one is precious, but does he/she let you go (to work, see friends, etc.) without texting you 15 times an hour? This is another indicator of a lack in self-confidence by that person. Many people do this because they are afraid you will cheat on them. Unfortunately, that same person is likely to cheat on you.
Speech is an important sign of maturity, and a trait many people forget to look for in a potential partner. Of course, when you first meet someone you want to date everything they say seems to be cute, but how they talk can tell you a lot. Do they put other people down? Do they get angry or frustrated easily? Do little negative comments seem to come out every once in a while? How a person talks will let you know the kind of person they are, if you are willing to listen.
Do you think your significant other is making you fat? Do you find that they “mistakenly” bring home your favorite fatty foods every time you try to go on a diet? Does it seem like, the more you try to lose weight, the more they want to go out to eat?
That may not just be your imagination. In situations like that, I would guess that your significant other is overweight as well. And, while they may not intentionally be trying to get you to gain weight, they probably are subconsciously. Some overweight people are very self-conscious of how they look, but they feel better about themselves if they are not the only one who has put on a few pounds. Your attempt to diet, however, is a stark reality for them that they are not as slim as they used to be. The response shows that they could use some emotional maturing, and counseling or coaching could help them.
Opposites attract, and that is proven when an introvert and an extrovert get together. Introverts and extroverts in a relationship have the opportunity to discuss how they relax, or recharge. Extroverts love to be in groups of people, happily talking about nothing in particular. That is how extroverts recharge their batteries. The batteries of an introvert, however, will drain very quickly in the same situation. Introverts need time alone to recharge their batteries.
Time alone for an introverted parent, especially when young children are involved, is very important. Let’s say there is a family with one extrovert parent and one introvert parent, which is pretty common. The extrovert parent may come home to loud, rambunctious children and fondly imagine having some alone time for a bit. The introvert parent, however, may desperately need it to stave off insanity.
Communication is important. Introverts incorrectly assume that everyone knows they need to be alone at times. And extroverts sometimes don’t understand how important it is for introverts to have alone time. Introverts need uninterrupted alone time every day, and that can be difficult when young children are involved.
If this sounds like you, carve out some alone time. Then, when your batteries are recharged, have a conversation with your partner. Find out what they need for alone time or social time with you and friends. And discuss with them how you need alone time. Find a compromise. Remember, you are in this together.
There are two main reasons couples decide to get coaching today:
Finances: Money is one of the top reasons couples split up, but it is rarely the money itself. It is usually how the person views money. One person may see money as a means save for retirement while their partner may see money as a way to go on vacations or buy new cars. I admire couples who recognize that they can work through their differences in money but need help getting started. Contact me today for help on creating a shared financial future for you and your partner.
Pre-marital coaching: I have coached many different issues and enough of my clients have asked me to coach them and their future spouse that I have created a specific pre-marital coaching package. And it makes sense to get coaching rather than counseling since counseling deals with the past while coaching deals with the future. Click here for more information on pre-marital coaching.
It is difficult being a kid.
You get congratulated for your first words, and then you get told that children should be seen and not heard.
Your first steps get publicized all over social media, then you get in trouble for wandering off. Sometimes children feel like they cannot do anything right, so it is important to build children up and give them kudos for their accomplishments.
I personally do not agree with participation trophies (trophies given out to everyone who shows up), or just telling the child they are smart. Praise them for specific accomplishments. Praise children when they get good grades, do something to help out another person, or do their chores without being asked. This way the child will know specific behaviors that are worth repeating.
Every parent wants their children to be successful, and we have a tendency to help, even financially, a bit too much.
As children become adults, they need to learn how to be financially independent. That starts with communication. Sit your child down and open your books to them. They will probably be surprised at how much money it costs to run a family. As you show them your numbers, show them how to start budgeting for themselves. Help them set up their own bank accounts if they do not currently have one, and help them to budget how much money they would need to save for rent, food, and necessities. Even if they can’t afford it all now, it gives them a plan and action steps to work toward.
Want to be closer to your partner than ever before? Get couples coaching.
Therapy deals with the past, but coaching works with the future. One way to feel closer than ever with your partner is to work toward a shared future, and a couples coach can help you on your way.
And it is very important to continue to work on bonding with your partner. Love is a self-sacrificing verb. It asks the question: What can I do for you? The more often the two of you ask each other that question, the closer you will be.
So contact me today to start couples coaching or click here for more information.
Have you found that one person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Are you thinking it might be time to get married, but you are not sure if you are ready? You may be right.
Marriage is a big step, and you may have spent time thinking about whether the person you are with is the right person to marry. You may even be sure he/she is “The One.” But are you the right person for them? Are you ready for marriage?
Here are a couple of ways to know if you are ready for marriage:
* Give and take: Are you a giver? Do you think of things you can do for your partner? What do you expect in return? The answer should be “nothing.” If you are with the right person, each of you will want to do for the other without any expectation of getting something back. Of course, if you give and give, and never get anything in return, you know they are not the right person.
But it goes both ways. If you allow them to constantly do for you, but you don’t give back, that may be a sign you are not ready for marriage.
* What language is that: What is your love language? Do you feel special when you get and give gifts? Does time together, even going for walk, make you feel gushy inside? What makes you feel special? And what makes your partner feel special? Are you doing for them according to their love language, or yours? If you love getting and giving gifts, but they love doing things together, they won’t care about the gift much. It won’t make them feel the same as you do. Likewise, if your partner is constantly trying to get you to go hiking, dancing, and other things together, but you want gifts, they are loving you according to their love language, not yours. Marriage is about self-sacrifice, for both of you.